It's funny. A year and a half ago I didn't want anything to do with God or Jesus or the Holy Spirit. Being in church literally nauseated me. Seeing others worshiping in love made me want scream. The Bible was empty and void of all meaning to me. I was living in hopelessness and desolation. I didn't like my husband. I didn't like my job. I didn't like my life in general. Satan had convinced me that God was big and mean and he was beginning to convince me that Christianity was all a big fat show.
It really wasn't funny at all.
Then I found Him. He didn't find me. He didn't have to. He never lost me. First in little pieces. A verse actually touched my heart. Worship here and there wasn't so awful. But the breakthrough came when I began to believe in the power of the very name of Jesus. When I began to believe that He was real and active and moving in my life. When I opened my eyes and saw him hovering around me - protecting me, loving me, seeing all of me, even the most grotesque corners of my soul that no one [not even Preacher Man] was or is to this day aware of, and loving me so completely through it all. When I accepted the power the Holy Spirit offered me to stand up and say, "Enough is enough. This is my home, and my life, and my heart, and my marriage. And I WILL live completely in the power and freedom of Christ because I can...because through it all He has guaranteed me that much."
Then I began to slip again, falling back into my old selfishness - my wallowing. And someone asked me what I was so angry about and maybe I should tell God about it instead of blaming everyone else for it. So I did. I was comfortable enough with Him by then. I yelled and cried and rolled around on my bed and cried for a good 3 hours. I told him all about how sad it made me that my life didn't look anything like I wanted it to. How I didn't want to be a preacher's wife. How I thought it was stupid that He was making me. How I was tired of making sacrifices - of sacrificing everything I wanted. And I was tired of feeling guilty for throwing such a fit about something that seemed so little compared to what others around me were going through.
He spoke softly, gently showing me what He knew I would never see if it was thrown in my face. Reconciliation not condemnation. That's what conviction was for. Bending of the knees...I physically had to get on my knees before Him to really understand the freedom that was granted me in exchange for my submission. Beautiful reconciliation. Then He made me fall in love with Him, made me long to know more about Him, made me want to sleep with His Word because I ached so deeply for the power it secreted. He showed me truths. Truths that I will never again question - because He showed me. And they are real in my heart and in my life.
I am so far from perfect. And I don't read my Bible every day. And I don't pray like I should. And I'm humiliatingly self-consumed. But I love my Jesus. And I have tasted the kindness of the Lord. And someday I will gladly bow at his feet. And I will take my hair and the most beautiful perfume heaven has to offer and wash those beautiful, beautiful feet. Because I really do love my Jesus that much. And I am so excited to know that I will learn to love Him even more.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Perfume, Hair, and Feet
Posted by Southern Belle at 8:48 PM
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4 comments:
I cried when I read this. The honesty of reality. The ugly, gross and sometimes not-fun face of reality. But I kinda don't like how negative I am introducing myself to this blog...
I am a cynical person, but what the hell.
I, too am married. I had the expectations, as well, about what I thought my life should be like. What my marriage and family would be like. But I am finding out that these expectations are your own worst enemy. They keep you trapped in time. A time capsule, if you will.
They seem to hold me hostage, therefore hold my family hostage. So, with that said, I have made this my priority. Letting go of my expectations is what I want to submit to someone else. The Lord, that is. There is a huge part of me (the "I'm still a big baby" part) that has no reservations on letting this go. But I just don't know how to give all of those to God. Then I won't know what to do (I say to myself)
I grew up with alot of blessings and lessons, and I wouldn't trade most of them for the world. I only say that to hopefully put a lighter spin on my attitude. I constantly have to snap/slap myself out of these modes. Especially when you forget how much your Jesus has taken care of. He just doesn't boast or make you feel indebted about it. I'm thankful for that.
Thanks a ton for responding! I can tell you are a kindred spirit, a bosome friend, if you will [name that movie]. I fight a daily battle against myself to let go of all my expectations. Okay mayble it's an hourly battle. Either way, it's hard.
Thanks for sharing and letting us all know that we are not alone. Keep on keepin' it real.
P.S. Does anyone know how you ACTUALLY spell bosome? bosom? boosom?
Whewww...well I'm afraid to even type what is racing through my mind. Selfishness, complete and utter selflessness, then anger, then regret, throw in a few pitty parties, then thankfulness, and unworthiness could pretty much sum up 13 years of marriage. I've been so angry at God so many times for the state of my "being" when it is ALWAYS my own fault for the state of my "being". I grew up in a complicated typical dysfunctional yet loving family that everyone else thought was perfect. I watched devotion and sacrifice daily and resented it every moment. Secretly hated to be a bystander because it just wasn't fair. Now there is a word "fair"-what is fair. Is it fair that you are born a woman with a brain, intelligent, motivated and driven. Become successful-truly almost always believe your life will be perfect and you can do and achieve anything you want for it to all be slapped back in your face. What am I angry about-I'm angry about being loved and hated for the same exact traits. I'm angry that I have to demean and lower myself to not appear pompous and arrogant because it also will hurt someone else's feelings and make them feel smaller instead of them celebrating in my gifts-God given gifts I believe. But where is the balance-do you surrender personal goals for duty-wife, mother. Why can't there truly be a balance-I'll tell you why because man was not created to be what we, women who try to do both, need. Show me this man-where is he. Don't get me wrong I love my man and in fact I believe God put him in my life so I could have to forget about myself and force me to rely on God and not myself-well as you can tell I'm still not there.
I've been there-those hours of throwing yourself about, wanting to break something but you don't cause your too freakin' responsible. God has never once failed to show me that He is there, HE is in control, He loves me, He will be with me every waking moment but I have to let go. So I'm on intermittent level of the "letting go". Sometimes I can feel God's arms wrapped around me so tightly and other times I'm staring Satan sqarely in the face.
I'm so blessed yet so empty some times. What a curse.
Georgia Peach
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