[deep breath. big gulp]

Do you ever just stop and think, "Wow. I am really selfish"? That happened me last night and continued on into today. It's been really fun.

Last night, Preacher Man and myself watched Dan in Real Life. Great movie, by the way. Very quirky. Like me. I think we're all kinda quirky if we really let it all hang out. Anyway, afterwards I was feeling very snuggly, so I scooted over to the other couch to love on Preacher Man. After a few seconds of my cuddling, he said, "You haven't been sweet to me like this in a long time." Talk about punch in the gut. He wasn't trying to make me feel bad...he was just noticing. Well this caused me to fling myself into a "I'm a really poopy wife" thought procecss.

I am so deeply self-consumed. It's embarassing, really. And it's really, really, really hard to fix, because you start thinking about yourself and how you can be better and so when you do what you think will make you better and less selfish, you give yourself an imaginary pat on the back. Wait. Then I'm still thinking about me and how great I am. Vicious cycle, I say. Very vicious. How do I escape the viciousness? Well there it is...I cannot escape it.

God is funny, you know? He's always giving us problems that we can't fix. He can fix them, no biggy, but we haven't got a chance. Pride. Joylessness. Fear. Financial "We're gonna have to live on the street"-ness. Letting go of dreams and expectations. The list goes on forever. We have no hope of fixing any of those things by completing a "To Do" list. That's my favorite thing to do, by the way, finish a To Do list. I'm really cool like that.

So after all of the reflecting on how selfish I am, which really just makes me more selfish, I decided to go to the WORD. That really is the best thing, even though I haven't even opened that spectacular, power-oozing book in a few weeks. Not only do I love cool To Do lists, I'm really smart, too [dripping with sarcasm]. There is wisdom and clarity there when my thoughts are bouncing around in a million different directions. I'm studying 1 Peter. It was supposed to be a 12 week study. I think I've been working on it for like 5 months. Discipline...it's my middle name. Anyway, Ole Pete is pretty great. You should check him out if you never have. I was studying 1 Peter 1:22-25 and then cross referencing it with some stuff in 1 John [it's a Kay Arthur study]. It's talking about being born again and how once you have been born again, the Holy Spirit protects you from your own stupidity and how He fills you with this great amount of love for your brothers - and how when the Spirit dwells within you [post being born again] there will be conviction. You will be made aware of sin, sin that keeps us from growing closer to our Father! Yay Holy Spirit! Yay for being born again! Bottom line...I'm off the hook becuase I have someone dwelling within me who will continuously push me and pursue me and help me move past my selfishness. I have to be cooperative in order for the growth to happen, but He will not just leave me to wallow in my icky self-involvement...whatever that looks like at the moment. So, in the end I'm kinda glad that I am feeling bad about my selfishness. That means the good ole HS is moving and working. So, I say, "Do your thing, HS. [deep breath. big gulp] I'm ready."

I hope this made sense. Sometimes my thought process is hard to follow.