It's been one of those days. A why me kind of day. So, because this is my blog and I can, I'm going to take the next few lines to talk a little about my why me's.
Why is it that I want a baby so badly but God has not made Preacher Man want one just as badly? I mean, I held a baby today and my heart literally ached as he laid his sweet little head on my shoulder. I have been patient. Or at least I have tried to be patient...for more than a year. And Preacher Man doesn't think a year is a long time to wait for something. I say to him, what if I made you wait a whole year to even attempt to do something that you KNOW you were created to do [be a mom. not make the baby]?
Why is it that some people get to live their whole lives near the people they love the most? I mean, God doesn't always call people to move across the country to a place that doesn't even resemble home. Was it really necessary that I be one of those that he called away? My sister is getting married. And I'm missing everything. And she deserves to have her sister at all her showers. And at her bridal shoot to do her make-up. And just plain there to go with her to Shreveport to find a dress for the rehearsal dinner. Or take care of the flowers because she so desperately doesn't want to have to deal with it. And my Mama should have me there to help her prepare for a gajillion guests to be in her home. And I should be able to get to my best friend's house and take care of her little boy, or take care of her, or both of them for a weekend because being a first time mom is hard. And someday, when Preacher Man finally gives in or [preferably] gets excited about having a baby - they should all be able to be there...without having to spend their life savings just to get to me.
Why is it that, 3 years out of college, I still have to work outside the home doing something that is by no means a miserable job but at the same time doesn't excite me? I mean, I'm trying real hard to find a way to contribute to the income AND stay at home so that I can keep a clean house and cook and just be available to my husband. Still, so far nothing.
Why is it that in less than a year we are back to square one? Not a clue where we'll go or what we'll do? No home. No furniture. No plan. I thrive on plans...one of my coolest traits.
All of that being said...as a follower of Christ, I have been called to higher living. To greater sacrifice.
But you are a CHOSEN RACE, a royal PRIESTHOOD, A HOLY NATION, A PEOPLE FOR GOD'S OWN POSSESSION...why?...that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness in His marvelous light; for you once were NOT A PEOPLE, but now you are THE PEOPLE OF GOD; you had NOT RECEIVED MERCY, but now you have RECEIVED MERCY.
For this find favor, if for the sake of conscience toward God a man bears up under sorrows when suffering unjustly. For what credit is there if, when you sin and are harshly treated, you endure it with patience? But when you do what is right and suffer for it you patiently endure it, this finds favor with God.
1 Peter 2. Read it. So good!
Bottom line. I am definitely a recipient of God's infinite mercy. I am chosen and holy. Why? The why is where it gets a little bit harder, because it's not about me. Why? So that I can proclaim the excellencies of my Jesus. My God. And you know what? When I am suffering because of my obedience to my Father [no matter how small that suffering may seem to others who have, no doubt, endured much more difficult trials than I] AND PATIENTLY enduring that [ick!], I find favor with God.
And you know what else? Today, when my Jesus saw me laying on my bed, crying because sometimes it all just hurts that much, He was/is sitting at the right hand of God praying for me. [Romans 8:34, Hebrews 7:25] I believe that He loves me that much. And I also believe that He fully expects me to live a called out kind of life, even [and maybe even especially] when it hurts to do so.
So this is me wrapping up my whining and putting on my big girl panties. Because no big girl panties = no favor with God. And I seriously want to find all kinds of favor with the Beginning and the End.
For those of you who made it through this entire post, you deserve a prize. Seriously.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Big Girl Panties
Posted by Southern Belle at 7:41 PM
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8 comments:
It's funny how we get angry with God about where he is leading us and how He goes about leading us there. And then five years later we realize why He took us to that place, or allowed something to happen.
I have found typically with God, when He allows something that I'm not too fond of, it's usually to bring me closer to Him. Life is so much sweeter at the end of that particular journey.
what if we never learn why God made us move somewhere or endure immense pain or loss? are we ok with that?
You put how I constantly feel into words. God always seems to remind us that he has a plan. Seeing as how many of us thrive on a plan, that should be comforting...but sometimes it isn't so. Anyway, I loved that post.
Magnolia...I have found that you are right - trials generally bring us closer to God and there is certainly a sweetness to that.
Anonymous #1...excellent question? I had to ponder on that one for a while and here's my answer: Today I am. I probably won't always be.
Anonymous #2...I should clarify. I prefer to have a plan that I am fully aware of and have actively been a part of creating. But you're right. One day, hopefully I will learn to trust Him so completely that I don't feel the need for my own plan at all.
just for the record...there are things in my life today (and I am old) that I still don't know why I had to endure or why I had to move, and it took me a long time (again I am old) to come to the place that I am okay with that. God wants us to be like Shadrach, Meschach, and Abednego when they said "we know that our God can deliver us from the flaming fire, but even if He doesn't, we still will worship Him." That's a hard place to get to and it's something you have to work on everyday. Sometimes we just have to rest in the fact that He is Sovereign God and He's sees the big picture. Hang in there Southern Belle...don't ever let go of the rope! You may swing way out, but you will always come back to the cross!
I read your blog for today and then I started thinking. I have also lived extremely far away from family and missed things such as nephews being born, weddings, ect. I think when I experienced these things I was maybe a little too quick to put on my "big girl panties." I found myself becoming numb and not feeling the pain that comes along with these things. So I just want to say...let yourself cry and don't for one second feel bad about it. I think Jesus wants us to be like him and he wants our hearts to be fully alive to not only joy and happiness but also sorrow and pain. I think about when Lazarus was dead and Jesus cried...I mean he was GOD he knew he was about to raise him from the dead...yet he was still moved, still felt, still human. That is what I love so much about Jesus! I think your heart is great and full of life and emotions and I think that is what Jesus is the most concerned with. So yeah put your big girl panties on but even big girls gotta cry sometimes :)
This is the hardest one so far for me. I, just today, got to interview for my dream job in my home town 4 states away. It was an extremely empty process. I believe they will offer me the job but I'm almost sure that I will turn it down. Why...continued sacrifice and selflessness. This is the one part of me that I spend the most time suppressing because if I didn't I would be perpetually in depression. I feel like I have been obedient, supportive and sacrificed greatly by living years and states away from all of my family. Family that I and my children only see 2 or 3 times a year. It angers me that my family too must sacrifice. I many times fantasize and daydream about what my children's lives would be like living in Georgia-my life there was so different...always had somewhere or something to do with family and friends, fishing, hunting, camping, playing softball. Never a dull moment. Now I realize my dull moments here are my own fault but its just so hard to create those type of relationships when your husband is socially phobic and you can't develop friendships of other couples with children because it won't develop into anything.
I too missed being there for my sister's planning and preparing for her wedding. I only was able to get there the weekend of the wedding-not what I dreamed about or envisioned for us.
The only thing I can say is that if I didn't have God I wouldn't be living where I am right now, I wouldn't be able to endure and make the most of it. God has always rewarded me for my faithfulness no matter how weak it has been at times. And He also blessed me with an extended family in Louisiana that helps me feel secure and loved.
But do understand that I carry this deep down in my soul in one of those "ugly corners" you've talked about that manages to get swept out to the middle of the floor a time or two when I'm having a poor me moment.
And lastly babies. I waited for a very long time for my man to say he was ready. And in his true momentous fashion he surprised me with his decision publicly-nothing is sacred for us :). And you know we started down a very difficult journey because even if we together had decided we were ready God had other plans and that is what you have to remember. Is that God will decide if and when to bless you with babies.
I understand your painful wanting and when it does appear to be God's time the blessings of children make everything truly trivial.
Hang in there Southern Belle. And remember this...My 90 year great Aunt told me Smile where you are because all that matters is that God is with you. And one of my Bible lessons truly hit me between the eyes when it referenced a father and mother grieving over the choices of their daughter and her spouse to become missionaries and live half a world away in an unsafe land but they rested on this...I would much rather they live within God's Will than out of it.
G.P.
GP, you are challenging me deep down in my soul and relating to me in a way that is real and tangible. Thanks for that ;)
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